One time my nephew Gideon lost his stuffed animal, Hobbs. And he wandered around the house saying “Where is him? Where’s Hobbs? Where is him Momma?” This really has nothing to do with anything but it was so cute. What I really wanted to say is that somewhere in the past year or so I feel like I’ve lost myself. When me and Natalie were little we would climb up into our treehouse and read LM Montgomery books and write in our journals for hours. And if something happened in my little life to throw me, all I had to do was take a some time with myself up in a tree…and everything would come to rights. I’ve always been like this. Just give me my journal, a cup of coffee, and a some aloneness and I can figure out what I’m thinking, feeling- I can find myself. But for some reason this seems to be harder to come by these days. I don’t know if it is because life is more complicated, or there are more things to worry about, or what. But sometimes I get these little glimmers of the person I am on the inside, and I realize that I haven’t seen that person in such a long time. I try to sit and think or write but I just feel empty on the inside, like there is nothing to say. It makes me so sad, because I feel like time is just blowing by me in a rushing wind and I can’t make it stop. Faster and faster than ever before. Without finding myself I have no way to label the experiences, or grab on to the moments. Maybe it has something to do with being married. Maybe it has something to do with being older. But I would give anything to change, before its too late.
Monthly Archives: May 2009
Unacceptable
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/21/world/asia/21myanmar.htmlI don’t know if you guys follow the news on Burma…but the military junta that rules the nation has reached a new all time low by fabricating another reason to extend the incredibley brave democratic leader Aung San’s house arrest for another term. She has been imprisoned for 13 of the past 19 years….because that is the only way the government can keep the whole country from uniting behind her in a democratic movement. Can you believe that today….in our modern era….there are still small groups of people that rule over huge countries against their wishes? By force? And we still trade with them, allow them into our Association of Southeast Asian Nations, and do business as usual. It is completely unacceptable.
the mood of the hour
I know that everybody is very familiar with this image, but I just needed it to describe today. Things might not be exactly as I want them to be, but several things are: it is sunny outside, I can see progress on my houses (thanks AL for working today), and the new-to-us boat is almost ready for its lake debut. The future has this hazy rosy happy hue in my mind…..and it makes me feel calm, and expectant. Like a warm yellow innocence mission song.
My opening remarks
I think this is an appropriate image for my first post. With all of the things there are to worry about out there- creating a captivating blog ala Marsh or Em or AL should not factor in. And yet….I had a major crisis just trying to come up with a username. Alas! Words do not come easy to me, but I still feel a desire to reflect, connect, just put something out there. I’m going to try.
Maybe I’ll start with the things I’m worried about. Topping the list are 5 empty rental houses, 2 of which are for sale and 3 of which are under construction. Funny how life goes….as I started all of these new projects I was just thrilling with the anticipation of getting to do some real hands on get-it-done kind of work. Yet now, because of the small person that lives inside of me, I must stay away from paint, chemicals, exhaustion, stress- which kind of leaves me not knowing what to do. And even more stressed because I can’t do any of the things I need to be doing. Ah well…this is life. And its the only one I’ve got.
